I'M BETTER THAN YOU [entries|friends|calendar] jtrock1500 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

NEW BEST FRIEND [05 Dec 2004|05:38pm] [ mood | RESENTFUL ] [ music | LUDACURSE ] ALL RIGHT, SO I WAS SITTING AT HOME STUDYING FOR THE SAT WHEN GUESS WHO CALLED? THAT'S RIGHT. CHEF_AGUD. WE TALKED FOR A WHOLE 37 SECONDS, BUT IN THAT TIME I NEW MY LIFE HAD BEEN CHANGED. HE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT SOME PARTY BUT I COULD BARELY HEAR HIM CUZ THERE WAS A LOT OF NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND; HES SO COOL. HE HUNG UP ON ME WHEN I ASKED IF I COULD GO. I WAITED A COUPLE HOURS FOR HIMT O CALL ME BACK BUT HE DIDNT. HOPEFULLY HE'LL INVITE ME NEXT WEEKEND CUZ I READ IN HIS "LIVE-JOURNAL" (CHEF_AGUD) THAT HE HAD A LOT OF FUN. HE SAID THAT THE PARTY SUCKED, BUT THAT'S PROBABLY JUST BECAUSE OF HIS HIGH STANDARDS. NOT THAT MINE ARE ANY LOWER.I DRINK ONLY THE FINEST VODKA, MCCORMICK, AND FANTASIZE ABOUT THE HOTTEST WOMEN, LIKE MY MOM. BYE. (CHEF_AGUD TAUGHT ME THAT) 1 comment|post comment

ELLEN DEGENARATE [30 Nov 2004|11:20pm] MAYBE ONE OF YOU SIMIANS CAN ANSWER MY QUERY. WHY HASN'T ELLEN BEEN CANCELLED? NOT THE SHOW, THE PERSON. I CANNOT STAND THIS LESBIATIC BITCH AND ALL HER FUCKING SMILING. TO ALL THE IDIOTS GIVING HER RATINGS, FUCK OFF. post comment

MY IDEALS [20 Oct 2004|06:18pm] [ mood | PORNOGRAPHIC ] [ music | MARKEY G AND THE FUNKY BUNCH ] ONCE UPON A TIME, I WAS ASKED WHAT I BELIEVED IN. I DID NOT HAVE A PROPER RESPONSE TO SUCH AN INQUIRY AS THE BREADTH OF MY BELIEFS AND KNOWLEDGE WAS WIDE AND EVERLASTING. AS UNBECOMING AS IT WAS, I RESPONDED, I DO NOT KNOW. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE SITUATION. AFTER MUCH GRIEVING WITH MY MOTHER AND COUNSELOR WE AGREED THAT I HAD QUITE A FEW PROBLEMS. TO SOLVE THE AFOREMENTIONED PROBLEMS I WAS TOLD TO LIST MY IDEALS IN A HIERARCHICAL ORDER. MORE ACCUSTOMED TO WOOING WOMEN WITH MY RASH AND RECKLESS WAYS THIS WAS QUITE A CHALLENGE. HOWEVER, MY MONTHLY EXAM IS COMING UP, SO HERE ARE MY IDEALS, PRESENTED IN AN ORDER THAT MAY BETTER SERVE THE HUMAN GENOME. 1. HAPPINESS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. AS ONE THAT WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU SIMIANS, I AM MORE THAN ADEQUATELY EQUIPPED TO PROPOSE THIS THEORY. MY MOTHER HAS MADE ME HAPPIER THAN ANY WOMAN WILL EVER MAKE YOU. DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP OF DENYING THIS. I WROTE IT IN BLACK AND WHITE, IT'S TRUE; GIVE UP YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. 2.I'M POPULAR AND COOL NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. THIS SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THEORY IN MY REPERTOIRE OF IDEALS AND PHILOSOPHIES. I SAID SHOULD BECAUSE IT IS NOT, CLEARLY. THIS IS BECAUSE I WILL NOT COPY PASTE, THAT IS PLAGARISM, AND I'M TOO LAZY. 3. BECOMING/STAYING POPULAR IS EASY. I WILL BE DEVOTING AN ENTIRE ENTRY, IF NOT AN ENTIRE BOOK ON THIS SUBJECT; LOOK FOR IT AT UR NEAREST BOOK RETAILER. 4. MY MOM IS COOL. SHE TAUGHT ME EVERY COOL THING I KNOW. I WOULD NOT BE HALF AS POPULAR AS I AM NOW IF MY MOM DIDN'T COACH ME IN THE WAYS OF (R.I.P.) JAMP. 5. IM BETTER THAN YOU. THERE IS NO CATEGORY PRESENT IN THIS UNIVERSE OR THE NEXT IN WHICH YOU COULD SUPERCEDE MY PHYSICAL, MENTAL OR SEXUAL ABILITIES IN ANY WAY. EVEN IN THE OH SO CHALLENGING, WALK AROUND AIMLESSLY, I AM THE CHAMPION. I CAN EAT MORE ALTOIDS THAN YOU, 75 A DAY BITCH. IN CONCLUSION; YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ME. I AM POPULAR AND COOL, BECAUSE PIMPIN'G IS EASY. MY MOTHER IS A COOL CAT. AND I'M BETTER THAN YOU. REPEAT. I AM BETTER THAN YOU. post comment

GOOD NIGHT. [14 Oct 2004|10:52pm] MY MOMMY TUCKED ME IN ALREADY BUT I SNUCK OUT. I'D LIKE TO RECOUNT A TALE OF WHAT HAPPENED NOT TOO LONG AGO. DURING THE COURSE OF HOMEROOM IT BECAME READILY APPARENT TO ME THAT JARAMILLO BELIEVED HIMSELF TO BE MY SUPRERIOR. PHSYICALLY IMPOSSIBLE AS I AM HALF MAN HALF MACHINE I CHALLENGED HIS PROMISCUITY IN FRONT OF HIS PEERS, I HAVE NONE. HE THREATENED ME WITH HIS MIDDLE FINGER. I SNATCHED HIS MIDDLE FINGER AND SNAPPED IT ACROSS MY KNEE. THEN I CALLED HIM JAR JAR BINKS. HE BECAME INFRURIATED AND TOLD ME, AND I QUOTE, 'IF YOU CALL ME THAT AGAIN I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU'. AS A BRAVE KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE CROWNED AND CURTAILED BY THE ILLUSTRIUS SIR MR ROSS OF DOWNSTAIRS AND POORVILLE I DID NOT TAKE HIS THREAT SERIOUSLY. I PROCEDEED TO PICK HIM UP AND BREAK ALL HIS BONES ON MY KNEE. FUCKING JAR JAR BINKS ASSHOLE. post comment

DAY IN THE LIFE PART DEUXXX [14 Oct 2004|10:34pm] [ mood | TRANSCENDENTAL ] [ music | POKEMON: 4EVER SOUNDTRACK ] TODAY BEGAN AS A NORMAL DAY, I ARRIVED BRIGHT AND EARLY AT THE FINE INSTITUTION THAT IS BELEN JESUYIT PREPARATORY SCHOOL. THE DAY BEGAN NORMAL AS USUAL. UPON ENTERING CLASS I NOTICED THAT MISS MICHNER WAS WEARING A NEW DRESS. QUITE A SPIFFY OUTFIT, I REMARKED. SHE SAID THANK YOU JUAN JAY, AND SHOWED ME HER CLITORIS; MY SEXUALITY WAS REAFFRIRMED. AS CLASS PROCEDDED IT BECAME MORE AND MORE OBVIOUS THAT SHE WAS INTOXICATED AND LEAKING SEMEN. AS AN EAGLE SCOUT I WAS PREPARED FOR THIS SITUATION, AND I STOOD UP ON RICHARD AGUDO'S DESK. SUCK HER CLITORIS FIEND, I YELLED WITH ALL MY GALL. THAT SHIT AINT EVEN POSSIBLE NIGGA, RESPONDED THE BEAUTY QUEEN. I RAPIDLY EXPLAINED TO MY COLLEAGUE THE SYMANTICS OF SUCKING A CLITORIS. HIS NEANDERTHALIC EXPRESSION TOLD ME THAT HE COULDNT UNDERSTAND SO I PERFORMED THE DEED. SHE THOUGHT IT A FUN EXPERIENCE, I, HOWEVER, DISAGREE. MY NEXT CLASS WAS WITH SILLY GANDERILLY. SHE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS GOOD TO POLLUTE, THAT SHE COULDNT READ, AND THAT I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT. IM DROPPPING OUT. FUCK YOU. post comment

SANCHAPALOOZA [14 Oct 2004|07:47pm] THIS PAST WEEKEND I ATTENDED SANCHAPALOOZA. LET ME EXPLAIN SANCHAPALOOZA TO THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE. OKAY. CHRISTOFER SANCHEZLIMA HAD THIS AWESOME PARTY WHERE ME AND OTHER COOL KIDS HUNG OUT. IT WASNT THAT GOOD THO CUZ DANGAR COULDNT COME. NEITHER COULD GIO, (S)HES NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT. ANYWAYS LEMME GET TO THE CHEESE (AKA CHISME I LEARNED THAT). MY MOM DROPPED ME OFF AT 4:30. CHRISTOPHER WASNT HOME SO I CALLED MY MOM TO SAY HI. SHE WAS OKAY.I JUMPED THE FENCE, HID IN THE BUSHES AND WAITED FOR SOME HOT GIRLS. UNFORTUNATELY THE PARTY DIDND'T START TIL 9. BY THE TIME HOT GIRLS ARRIVED I HAD COCKAROACH BITES ON MY PENIS. I COULD NOT HAVE (HAD) SEX THAT NIGHT. DAMN. AFTER GIVING UP ON SEX I WENT TO THE BATHROOM. MY HAIR WAS DISTURBED. MY MOTHER HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME, IF YOUR HAIR ISN'T TO THE SIDE YOUR GAY. FEARING MY MOTHER WAS WATCHING ME WITH BINOCULAURS, I FIXED MY HAIR. AS I LEFT THE BATHROOM LOOKING FLY AS HELL, A TALL BLONDE GIRL WALKED IN. SHE SMELLED LIKE TUNA AND HAD A MALE IN TOW. I PRESSED MY EAR ON THE DOOR AND HEARD WEIRD NOISES. MY NIPPLES GOT HARD. I RAN BACK TO THE BUSHES AND TOUCHED MYSELF. AFTER REALIZING MY MOTHER WAS ALSO IN THE BUSHES, I TURNED TO ALCOHOL. I DRANK SOME PUNCH AND INSTANTLY MY LIFE WAS GOOD. ALL THE HOT GIRLS WERE LOOKING AT ME, AND ALL THE HOT GUYS WERE JEALOUS. I SWEAR. EVEN DONUT, MY BEST FRIEND, CHECK MY POETRY BOOK, COMPLIMENTED ME. HE SAID, AND I QUOTE, JAYTEE YOUR SO COOL. THEN HE LAUGHED IN MY FACE. AM I COOL OR WHAT. I WAS DISHEARTENED TO SEE THAT NEW KIDS WERE PRESENT AT THE SO CALLED SANCHAPALOOZA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT I HATE IT IS A FUCKING SHITFACED NEW KID. THERE WAS THIS ONE KID WITH ROSIE. IM SURE HE DIDNT GET ANY, BEING A PUSSY ASS BITCH, AND ROSIE BEING PRUDE. BUT IT PISSED ME OFF. NEW KIDS ARE SUBHUMAN. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. NEW KIDS ARE GAY. FUCK HIM. P.S. I NOW HAVE FOURTEEN (14) STDS. MY MOMMY GOT ME IN THE BUSHES. post comment

GIOVANI LORENZO BEAT ME UP [26 Sep 2004|05:51pm] [ mood | ASCENDENTOUSLY HOMOPHOBIC ] [ music | FROGS IN A MARSHMELLOW-MY BAND ] OK BIG NEWS GUYS. I WAS RUNNING GAME ON AIM AND GUESS WHO IMED ME! GIOVANI LORENZO MACHADO . HE HAD READ MY ENTRY ABOUT MARINA ADN FIGURED I WANTED TO "HOOK-UP". HIS SOCIOLOGICAL SKILLS ARE STUNNING, ESPECIALLY TO A CARNIVORE. HE THREATED TO NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, IF I EVER MADE LOVE TO HIS BRIDE. THE PURANICAL 13TH CENTURY QUAKERIST SPIRIT ERUPTED FROM MY SOUL AND I FELT THE NEED TO REBEL. NO, I TOLD HIM, I WILL HIT THAT UP. HE RESPONDED RATHER HARSHLY. HE CAME TO MY HOUSE, WHICH IS FORBIDDEN BY LAW, AND KNOCKED ON MY DOOR. "LISTEN MOTHER FUCKER," I EXPLAINED, "I'M CALLING THE POLICE." LITTLE DID HE KNOW I DIDN'T ACTUALLY CALL THEM BECAUSE I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. IN CONCLUSION GIOVANI LORENZO MACHADO I'M SORRY. I'D ALSO LIKED TO APOLOGIZE TO MARINA FOR TURNING HER INTO AN ADULTEROUS, AND SORRY TO NORMA FOR MAKING YOU POPULAR. 2 comments|post comment

WELCOME BACK [20 Sep 2004|10:34pm] I KNEW MASUM BETHUM WAS COMING BACK. AS YOU CAN SEE IN MY JOURNAL ENTRY FROM 1996 I CALLED IT. THEREFORE I DESERVE MAD PROPS FROM YOU SIMIANS, I WOULD LIKE THE EXTENT OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PROPS TO BE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN COOL AND AWESOME. ANYWAYS, SCHOOLS BACK AND SO IS MY NONEXISTANT POST-NATAL PRE-VAGINAL SEX LIFE. A LONG LONG TIME AGO IN A SUMMER FAR FAR AWAY I MET GIOVANI LORENZO AND HIS BEAUTIFUL MISTRESS MARINA [BAEZ?]. HE TREATED HER LIKE THE WHORE OF BARTHOLOMEW JAY MAHONEY WHOM AS WE ALL KNOW IS NOT REAL. AS SHE SUCKLED ON HIS PENIS I COULDN'T HELP BUT STARE. AFTER CLIMAX I QUICKLY DISCOVERED THE ROOT OF GIOVANI LORENZO'S LUST, THIS FEM FATTALE HAD A UTERUS. SHE HAD A UTERUS. SHE HAD A UTERUS. WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT THE TIME WAS THAT MY NORMA WAS ALSO IN THE CAR. SHE WAS DRIVING OUR TOYOTA ECHO(R) TOWARDS PALACE 18. SHE WAS QUITE DISGUSTED BY GIOVANIA LORENZO'S DISPLAY OF AFFECTION ON MARINA [BAEZ]'S HAIR. HOWEVER, NOT ONE TO BE OUTDONE, SHE GAVE ME THE GREATEST FELLATIO OF MY LIFE. P.S. JAMP IS GAY. P.P.S. SO IS PINKY post comment

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN [03 Mar 2004|08:55pm] [ mood | SUPER HAPPY ] [ music | SWISS BEATS-ALMOST OVER YA'LL ] HEY GUYS I JUST GOT BACK FROM BOULDER COLORADO. WILLY I SAW UR EX MIDGET WIFE, SHE SAYS HI AND DOOOOPE. UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES I DO NOT TAKE OR RECIEVE MESSAGES AS I AM NOT A COURIER, BUT A PSYCHOLOGIST IN TRAINING. MY CRANIAL POWERS SURPASS THOSE SET BY THE GENEVA CONVENTION AND THEREFORE AND HENCEFORTH I SHALL SAVE YOU THE EMBARASSMENT OF TALKING TO ME. BUT THESE ARE NOT NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES. I'M BACK IN MIAMI, THE CITY OF LOVE, WITH MY ONE TRUE LOVE, MOMMY. BUT I ALSO BROUGHT ALONG A FRIEND, HER NAME IS SHANNON AND SHE HAS WEIRD HAIR BUT I LIKE IT. MOST GUYS THERE THINK SHE IS UGLY BUT I THINK SHE IS BEATUFIL AND SENT FROM HEAVEN. HERE IS A POEM TO SHANNON. SHANNON MY DEAR I WISH YOU WERE NEAR OH WAIT YOU ARE HARDY HAR HAR NOW I AM THE PIRATE THE NEW TURD BURGLARS IN TOWN IM THE ONE THAT ATE IN THE BK DOWNTOWN NOW THAT UR WITH ME I AINT SCURD OF HOMELESS CUZ NOW THAT WE BE WE I AINT BONELESS HARDY HAR HAR DO YOU GET MY PUN HARDY HAR HAR NOW WE ARE HAVING FUN LET ME TAKE YOU THROUGH THE RHYMES AND RETICULATED SPECTRUMS THIS SHIT AINT A CRIME LEME SEE THEM RECTUMS DONUTS A SHITHEAD BASTARD SLEEPING IN CLASS THAT KID IS HELLA CRASS BUT HE'S HELLA CUTE AND HELLA FAS(T) SO TO GET BACK TO THE STORY MY HANDS ARE ALL CUT AND GOREY FROM WACKING IT SO HARD I THINK I BROKE MY ARM SO SHANNON IN CONCLUSION YOU ARE MY LOVE AND TRUE AFFLICTION SO TAKE THIS DOVE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. post comment

ONE LAST THING [19 Jan 2004|04:01pm] [ mood | INCADESCENT ] [ music | THE BEST OF THE BACKSTREET BOYS ] BEFORE I GET ON THE BUS, THEY'RE HONKING THE HORN. I WANT TO SAY ONE THING. I'M NOT BASED ON ONE PERSON, I'M A COLLECTION OF THE MOST RETARDED CHISME ROLLED UP INTO ONE FAT BASTARD. WHEN YOU REMEMBER ME, DON'T THINK OF ME AS A PERSON, BUT AS A SET OF IDEALS AND PHILOSOPHIES THAT YOU SHOULD USE AS A BASIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. P.S. DANNY TAKE CARE OF MY CAT. P.P.S. IF YOU'RE EVER IN COLORADO CALL UP MY CELLY 2 comments|post comment

I'M OUT [19 Jan 2004|12:16pm] [ mood | EXISTENTIALISTIC ] [ music | KAYNE WEST-I'M POPULAR ] GUYS, THIS HAS BEEN A KRAZY WEEKEND (CRAZY FOR THE NONPOPULAR PEOPLE). ON FRIDAY, REMEMBER THAT GIRL THAT CALLED BUT IT WAS A WRONG NUMBER, BUT I KNEW SHE SECRETLY LOVED ME? WELL SHE CALLED ME BACK!! I KNEW IT WAS HER BECAUSE ON MY CELL I SAVED HER NUMBER AS "MY NEW GIRLFRIEND", TAKE THAT DIANDRA. "HELLO MY LOVE" I BREATHED SEXFULLY INTO TEH PHONE, "WHO ARE YOU?" BUT I KNEW SHE WAS KIDDING. SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH MY BRASH AND RECKLESS WAYS, MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE, AND MOST OF ALL THE FACT THAT I'M SO POPULAR. SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN'T KNOW ME, BUT I TOLD HER THAT MY MOM WOULD PICK HER UP AT 5:30 AND WE'LL GO SEE A MOVIE. ON SATURDAY ME AND MY MOM GOT ALL DRESSED UP, SHE EVEN BAKED A CAKE FOR MY NAMELESS LOVER, BUT I ATE IT CAUSE I WAS HUNGRY OR WUTEVA. WE GOT IN MY MOM'S VAN AND SHE ASKED ME FOR THE ADRESS. I WAS SO ANGRY. THAT IDIOT DIDNT TELL ME HER ADRESS. IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER THOUGH, ME AND MY MOM WENT TO DINNER AT WAJIRO'S AND THEN WE WATCHED A ROMANTIC COMEDY AT PALACE 18. I ALMOST GOT IN A FIGHT THERE BECAUSE SOME CHUSMA INDIO CALLED MY MOM A MILF, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I TOLD HIM THAT THE PURE EQUESTRIAN SPIRIT INSIDE MY HEART WILL NOT STAND DOWN WHILE A TRAYA BITCH IS STILL BREATHING MY AIR. THEN I DON'T REMEMEBR WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS WATCHING X-MEN2 AND THERE WAS A GREEN SPIDER STEALING THE JEWEL FROM THE X-MEN WHO WERE FIGHTING THE BAD GUYS IN A MUSEUM. MAYBE I WAS DREAMING. SATURDAY NIGHT WAS SPENT CHATTING IT UP WITH MY NEW NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE LIVES IN COLORADO, IS ALMOST 4 FEET TALL, AND WEIGHS 150 POUNDS. GUYS, I SERIOUSLY THINK I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA GO SEE HER THIS WEEK. SERIOUSLY, JUST IMAGINE, IMAGINE FOR ONE SECOND, JUST IMAGINE IT, ME, SIMPLE OLD ME, GETTING ON A GREYHOUND BUS AND GOING CROSS COUNTRY TO SEE THE NEW LOVE OF MY (INTERNET) LIFE. SERIOUSLY, SHE'S DEPRESSED BECAUSE SHE'S REALLY UGLY AND EVEN THE UGLY HICKS MAKE FUN OF HER; BUT I STILL LOVE HER BECAUSE WHEN I MARRY HER MY MOM WON'T THINK I'M GAY. DIANDRA. WHAT'S WRONG. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN RINGING MY CELLY OFF THE HOOK. OH WAIT. YOU HATE ME. THAT'S OK I HATE YOU TOO. I FEEL REALLY DEPRESSED NOW. I FEEL REALLY POPULAR NOW. I FEEL REALLY HOMOSAPIEN NOW. I FEEL REALLY DEPRESSED NOW, AGAIN. I HAVE ALL THESE GIRL'S ON MY DICK (DIANDRA, NAMELESS CELLPHONE LOVER, AND MY HAND), BUT I STILL CAN'T HAVE THE ONE I WANT. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I WISH I COULD BE SPONTANEOUS. WHY CAN'T I BE THE GUY THAT JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR ON THE EXPRESSWAY. WHY CAN'T I BE THE GUY THAT BUYS 10 POKEMON CARDS FOR NO REASON. WHY CAN'T I BE POOPULAR. YOU KNOW WHAT; I THINK I'M GOING TO COLORADO. IF I DON'T WRITE ANYMORE ENTRIES, YOU KNOW WHERE I AM. DIANDRA I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET THERE, SO YOU CAN BE REALLY JEALOUS AND THEN MAYBE WE'LL GET BACK TOGETHER OKAY??!!? CHOW! 4 comments|post comment

MORAL CROSSROADS [16 Jan 2004|02:06pm] [ mood | SCRUMPCIOLICIOUS ] [ music | THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END-BRADY BUNCH ON WEED ] YOU KNOW THAT PART IN THE BRITNEY SPEARS MOVIE WHERE SHE SAYS THAT SHE'S NOT A WOMAN, NOT YET A GIRL; THAT'S HOW I FEEL. SURE MY MAN BOOBS ARE LARGER THAN JENNA'S, BUT DEEP DOWN, I FEEL LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD RUSSIAN GIRL. I NEED TO MAKE THIS CLEAR, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE ELEPHANTITIS DOESN'T MEAN I'M BETTER THAN YOU. I'M BETTER THAN YOU FOR VARIOUS REASONS WHICH I WILL NOW PRESENT TO YOU, ARRANGED IN A PYRAMID SCHEME REMINISCENT OF LEONARDO DI'CRAPIO'S EARLIER WORKS. 1. AS MASUM BETHUM ONCE SAID, "I'M THE SAME OLD PIMP", I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL BE ONE OF THE GREATEST PORN AFFICIONADOS THIS SIDE OF THE EUPHRATES. BECAUSE OF THIS I HAVE EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE IN WHAT POSITIONS I SHOULD ASSUME TO BEST PLEASURE MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER; THIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MAKES ME "THE SAME OLD PIMP" THAT I'VE BEEN SINCE APPROXIMATELY OCTOBER 3, 1994. ON OCTOBER 3 1994, NOT ONLY DID MY TESTICLES FINALLY DESCEND FROM MY ABDOMINAL CAVITIY, BUT MY MOTHER INFORMED ME THAT SHE HAD GOT ME A GREAT NEW TOY. THAT WAS THE DAY THAT I WAS INTRODUCED TO THE WORLD OF TAMAGOTCHI. DAY AND NIGHT I SPEND TAKING CARE OF MY TAMAGOTCHI. AT TIMES I CRIED WHEN IT SHAT ALL OVER ITS PLAYPEN. EVENTUALLY THE MADNESS THAT WAS TAMAGOTCHI PLANTED A SEED IN MY MIND. I IMAGINED THE PIECES OF SHIT GROWING ARMS AND WALKING AROUND, I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT PLAYING BASKETBALL, IMAGES OF A SWEATY PIECE OF SHIT WITH CURLY HAIR WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND; NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, IT REMINDS ME OF A CERTAIN SOPLON. THIS BRIEF, 3 YEARS, FLING WITH TAMAGOTCHI SHOWED ME HOW GREAT OF A PARENT I COULD BE (I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BE A MOMMY OR A DADDY), BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY IT INTRODUCED ME INTO THE WORLD OF VIRTUAL PETS. I WAS CRUSHED WHEN MY TAMAGOTCHI FINALLY GREW UP AND FLEW AWAY IN A SPACESHIT. I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR OVER A MONTH, MY OPTOMOTRIST TOLD ME I HAD TO STOP CRYING OR I WOULD HAVE TO SMOKE MARIJUANA BECAUSE EXCESSIVE CRYING IS THE #1 CAUSE OF GLAUCOMA. AS I AM AGAINST SMOKING ANYTHING, I RECCOMENDED TO MY MOTHER THAT I SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST TO GET OVER THE CRUSHING FAILURE THAT WAS/IS MY LIFE. THE PSYCHOLOGIST RECOMENDED THAT I REPLACE MY TAMAGOTCHI WITH POKEMON. I TRIED IT, AND I WAS REBORN INTO A 12 YEAR OLD HAIRLESS WONDER NAMED ASH CATCHUM. AFTER BEATING POKEMON:BLUE, RED, YELLOW, RUBY, SILVER, GOLD, PLATINUM, CHROME, AND KRUNK, I NEEDED MORE. I DABBLED A BIT IN DIGIMON, BUT I FOUND A NEW HOME IN YU-GI-OH. SOON MY ADDICTION WAS SO STRONG THAT I SOLD MY BODY, TO STRANGE BLACK MEN, FOR A NEW PACK OF YU-GI-OH CARDS. IT WAS WORH IT. UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT OFF ON THIS TANGENT. I USUALLY DON'T GET OFF. I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. 2 comments|post comment

THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH [14 Jan 2004|10:03pm] [ mood | MADCOW\BACKSTABBED\SAD ] [ music | Suck a Rhino's Dick-Wessley Willis ] OMFG I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. WITH THE PUBLIC EMBARRASMENT OF DIANDRA BREAKING UP WITH ME. AND THE PUBIC EMBARASSMENT THAT OCCURED IN THE BATHROOM THIS AFTERNOON; I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE THIS ANYMORE. DIANDRA, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME. YOU KNOW HOW INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE I AM, YET YOU CONTINUE TO PUSH MY BUTTONS; IN A 'I'M GONNA SACRIFICE INVERTEBRATES ON YOUR FRONT LAWN KIND OF WAY'. YOU BREAK UP WITH ME IN PUBLIC. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION? MY MOM THINKS I LIKE MALE GENATALIA. WETHER OR NOT THIS IS TRUE, IT DOESN'T MATTER. I WANT TO MARRY YOU. I MAY, OR MAY NOT, HAVE ANY FEELING FOR YOU; BUT THAT POINT IS MOOT SEEING AS I NEED TO PLEASE MY MOM. THE WAY I SEE IT, AKA HOW THINGS REALLY ARE, THE WOMAN SHOULD BE SUBSERVIENT TO THE MAN. BECAUSE OF THIS, WOMEN SHOULD BE FOUND IN THE KITCHEN BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT. USING THOSE PREVIOUS TRUE STATEMENTS AS FACTS TO SUPPORT MY WILDLY CONTRIVED AND TOTALLY FALSE THEORIES, I PRESENT TO YOU MY IDEALS. FIRST OF ALL I AM BETTER THAN ANYONE THAT HAS EVER LIVED, LIVES, OR WILL EVER LIVE. GOING FROM THIS FACT WE CAN THERFORE EXTRAPOLATE THAT MY PENIS IS EXACTLY 3 TIMES LONGER THAN YOUR ARM, AND THAT MY CALF MUSCLES CAN NEVER MAX OUT. OK I LIED, THE ABOVE IS NOT AN EXTRAPOLATION TO THE NTH DEGREE OF A PARALLELOGRAM WITH YOUR MOM'S CLITORAL MUSCLES AS THE BASE OF THE TRIANGLE. IT IS IN FACT, A FACT. IN THE GYM I WAS ABLE TO RAISE OVER 800LBS (POUNDS) WITH MY CALF. IT WAS AMAZING. I ALMOST CUMMED (BUT I DIDNT, IM STILL A VIRGIN) ANYWAYS, I THINK I WAS RAMBLING. IN OTHER NEWS, EVERYONE AT SCHOOL PISSED ME OFF; AGAIN. I SERIOUSLY THINK THAT IM SERIOUSLY GONNA SERIOUSLY MESS SOMETHING/SOMEONE UP, SERIOUSLY GUYS, I'M SERIOUS. IF I HEAR ANYONE ELSE TALK ABOUT DRINKING ON THE WEEKEND, I'M HONESTLY GONNA BE LIKE " YOU WANNA GET "KRUNKED" UP"?, AND I'LL POKE THEM IN THE EYE WITH MY QUOTATION MARKS. OK GUYS, I THINK MY MOM HEARD ME TYPING, I GOTTA GO. P.S. I'M REALLY DEPRESSED, I'M GONNA CRY, DIANDRA I HATE YOU P.P.S. DIANDRA I DON'T REALLY HATE YOU P.P.P.S. DIANDRA I REALLY LOVE YOU CALL ME P.P.P.P.S 305-264-4320 8 comments|post comment

I HATE YOU ALL [13 Jan 2004|09:55pm] [ mood | INQUISITIONALISTIC ] [ music | FRIENDS THEME SONG ] GUYS, THIS IS SERIOUS. I'M REALLY STARTING TO GET WORRIED. AS YOU ALL KNOW, I'VE BEEN HAVING SOME DIFFICULTIES WITH MY GIRLFRIEND; DIANDRA, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS? WHY WON'T YOU RESPOND TO MY IM'S? I SWEAR I'M NOT HIDING IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE, YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHERE YOU RESIDE. GENTLEMEN, THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH IS PRIVATE AND SHOULD BE READ ONLY BY MY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE. AS YOU ALL MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, THERE IS A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT BELIEVE IT'S "COOL" TO DRINK ALCOHOL ON THE WEEKEND. ALCOHOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, AND BELIEVE ME I KNOW A LOT MORE THAN ONE THING, IT'S THIS. DRINKING ALCOHOL, GETTING DRUNK, AND HAVING PREMARITAL SEX WITH GIRLS. GIRLS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I'VE NEVER EVEN KISSED A GIRL AND YOU PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. NOT ONLY IS THAT A SIN, BUT DOING ANYTHING THAT I HAVEN'T DONE IS A CRIME THAT IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH; IF IT'S NOT A CRIME, IT SHOULD BE. ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE DONE THIS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I ASK YOU TO STOP. NO. I DEMAND THAT YOU CEASE AND DECIST YOUR DESPICABLE ACTIONS AGAINST HUMANITY, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND MY OXYGEN SUPPLY. GUYS, I'M REALLY DEPRESSED. DO THIS FOR ME, AND YOU WILL BE A MADE MAN. I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING ILLEGAL LIKE DRUGS, ALCOHOL, OR PROSTITUTES; BECAUSE THAT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION, BUT I WILL LET YOU TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE FOR NO MORE THAN 3.4 MINUTES. GUYS, I'M REALLY DEPRESSED. IF YOU DON'T STOP YOUR SINFUL LIFESTYLES, I WILL TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION WITH THE PROPER AUTHORITIES (MY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE/_SON_OF_SAM_). GUYS, I'M REALLY DEPRESSED. IF YOU DON' SHIT! MY MOM'S COMING I'LL FINISH LATER! CIAO! 6 comments|post comment

MAD PROBLEMS NUKKAS [12 Jan 2004|09:21pm] [ mood | DEPRESSED LIKE A MUTHA FUCKA ] [ music | CRY ME A RIVER-THE OTHER JT ] SO I WAS TALKING TO THE LOVE OF MY INTERNET LIFE ON HER LJ AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED YOUR ADVICE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ME (JTROCK1500): SEEING AS YOUR THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WIDE WEB THAT CONSIDERS ME THEIR FRIEND I HAVE COME TO YOU IN MY TIME OF AID. AS YOU KNOW I HAVE NO SOCIAL SKILLS, MEANING I CAN'T EXACTLY CHANGE THE ENTONATION OF MY VOICE, OR FEEL SYMPATHY FOR ANY LIVING THING. BECAUSE OF THIS I LIVE A LIFE OF SOLITUDE AND DESPAIR. YOUR LIKE THE GREEN SHINING LIGHT BEACON IN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING", EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BEING THE DARK WITCH KING OF MORDOR, YOU ARE ACTUALLY A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER THAT BRINGS JOY AND ORGASMS EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. BECAUSE OF MY ETERNALLY DARK NIGHT, I FEEL VERY DEPRESSED. IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT OF THIS RUT I WOULD BE ETERNALLY GREATFUL. BUT NOW, LIKE R.KELLY WOULD SAY, "I'M GONNA PUT ON MY DANCING SHOES". HER (_SON_OF_SAM_): SINCE YOU WROTE IN ALL CAPITALS I WILL WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS AS WELL TO STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STATEMENT-- YOU GO PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES , BUT R.KELLY WOULD WANT YOU TO STEP IN THE NAME OF LOVE, AND LOVE IS NOT DEATH. I ACTUALLY KNOW R. KELLY HIMSELF AND HE TOLD ME THESE THINGS. THEY WERE DEEPLY ROMANTIC...BUT ANYWAYS I AM SO GLAD YOU CONSIDER ME A FRIEND AND EVEN COMPARE ME TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS. PERSONALLY, I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT MOVIE, BUT IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS WE HAVE BECOME FRIENDS, YOU AS WELL HAVE BECOME LIKE THE PEANUT BUTTER TO MY JELLY (I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY). I STILL REMEMBER THE NIGHT WE MET WHEN I WAS AT MY TIA'S HOUSE FOR A PARTY. I WALKED OVER TO YOYI'S HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET AND THERE YOU WERE WITH HER SON GABRIEL. YOU LOOKED LIKE GANSTA PARADISE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, EARING AND NIKE SHOES. AS YOYI GAVE ME BUTTER U SMILED AND GOT MY SN AND WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS EVER SINCE. I UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION. PLEASE DON'T TAKE THE LIFE THAT HAS BECOME SO DEAR TO ME I WOULD BE VERY SAD...I'M HERE IF YOU NEED TO SPILL ANYTHING JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID I BEG OF YOU! ME (JTROCK1500): WELL, DIANDRA, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. BESIDES MY PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL I THINK MY BIGGEST ISSUE IS THAT MY MOM THINKS IM GAY. IF WE GOT MARRIED I THINK THAT WOULD SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS. BY ALL OUR PROBLEMS I MEAN ONE OF MY PROBLEMS. I'M NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT SAYS STUFF, OR DOES THINGS; BUT I KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN IN MY COLD HEART I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. WETHER THEY'RE REAL, OR I'VE CREATED THEM IN VAIN TO HIDE MY FAGGOTRY FROM MYSELF I WILL NEVER KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING, IF WE GOT MARRIED I WOULDN'T LOOK GAY TO THE WORLD! DIANDRA, WILL YOU MARRY ME. P.S. I HAVE TICKETS TO HIALEAH RACETRACK FOR FRIDAY. HER (_SON_OF_SAM_) DEAR JT, I KNOW BELEN HAS BEEN TOUGH FOR YOU, ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE GAY STEREOTYPES AND THE WAY YOU MOM THINKS THAT YOU ARE ALSO GAY. BUT I REALIZED AFTER I MET YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT, ITS JUST YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT GIRL FOR YOU. I JUST WANT TO STRESS ONE POINT; I CAN'T MARRY YOU. AND I'M REALLY SORRY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE COMPLETEY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. REASONS BEING: -I WOULD NEVER RUIN THE WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE JUST BEGUN WITH NICK (I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY) -I'M TOO YOUNG -THE LIST GOES ON ALSO YOU ONLY WANT ME SO PEOPLE DON'T THINK YOU ARE GAY. ISN'T KNOWING THAT YOU AREN'T GAY ENOUGH? IT SHOULD BE. FUCK THE WORLD , JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELF. AND UM...TAKE A NICE GIRL TO THE RACETRACKS, I COULD HOOK YOU UP IF YOU WANT. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, WHICH IMPLIES DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH. ______________________________________________________________ OK IT'S ME AGAIN (JTROCK1500). GUYS PLEASE DON'T LAUGH, I'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFIEND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IS SHE PLAYING HARD TO GET OR WHAT. I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN, I JUST WANT TO MARRY HER SO I DON'T HAVE TO DATE AND HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN OK? I'M REALLY SAD THAT SHE WON'T MARRY ME, WHAT SHOULD I DO? 5 comments|post comment

KRAZY DAY IN THE LIFE [12 Jan 2004|04:52pm] [ mood | NECROPHILIATIC ] [ music | ENYA-I WILL SURVIVE ] HAY GUYS! SOME OF YOU MAY BE RETARDED, SO WHEN I SAY KRAZY I REALLY MEAN CRAZY. IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT COOL AND POPULAR PEOPLE DO. WELL, TODAY WAS A KRAZY DAY. FIRST OF ALL, I'VE RECIEVED SO MUCH ATTENTION FOR THIS JOURNAL; I HATE YOU. I DON'T WANT ATTENTION. THAT'S WHY I PRETENDED I DIDN'T WRITE THIS. MY ONLINE LIFE AND MY REAL LIFE ARE SEPARATE AND CO-EQUAL, THEY SHOULD NEVER MEET EACH OTHER OR THE UNIVERSE WILL END. TO GET BACK TO THE POINT, IN MY MATH CLASS SEVERAL FOOTBALL PLAYING SCUMBAGS WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY MUTILATED THEIR ILLEGITAMATE CHILDREN. FOR EXAMPLE, ONE OF THEM SAID, "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DEAD BABY AND A ROCK? YOU CAN'T FUCK A ROCK IN THE ASS." WHEN I HEARD THOSE TERRIBLE WORDS THE GALLANTRY, HONORABLENESS, AND MOST OF ALL EQUESTRIANISM INSIDE OF ME CAME TO LIFE. MY NOSTRILS FLARED, MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY HEAD, AND I TOLD HIM "IF I COULD, I WOULD BEAT YOU UP". TO THIS THEY STARED AT ME AND LAUGHED. NO MATTER, THEIR JUVENILISM ENDED WITH A SICK JOKE ABOUT HOW AN ABORTION DOCTOR IS REALLY CALLED A CHEF. I DON'T GET IT EITHER.THEN THEY MADE FUN OF BLACK PEOPLE. FRANKLY, I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THE PLIGHT OF THE BLACK MAN IN THIS SOCIETY. BUT WHEN YOU SAY THAT MY HEAD IS ALMOST AS BIG AS A BLACK GUY'S SCHLONG, I TAKE OFFENSE. THERE IS NO WAY THAT ANYONE'S GENITALIA IS THAT LARGE, SERIOUSLY MY HEAD WEIGHS LIKE 50 POUNDS. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THINGS LIKE THAT I LOSE CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF, AND I QUESTION MY MOTHER; BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME THAT 3 INCHES WAS PRETTY BIG. ISN'T IT? P.S. SUUURE BOB OR WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE. post comment

MY GREAT SATURDAY NIGHT [11 Jan 2004|01:27pm] [ mood | PRE-PUBESCENT ] [ music | KENNY-G ] HAY GUYS! I HAVE NO IDEA, NOR DO I CARE, WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT, BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I DID. I WAS AT HOME WATCHING "POKEMON:FOREVER" WHEN I SUDDENLY HEAR MY CELLULAR PHONE RINGINING TO THE GANGSTER VIBES OF NELLY. IT WAS RATHER HOT IN MY HOUSE, SO I GOT THE PHONE WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM AND ANSWERED IT. "HELLO" I SAID, QUITE VIGOUROSLY I MAY ADD. THE CALLER SEEMED CONFUSED, BUT I COULD TELL SHE LIKED ME BY THE WAY SHE SAID "WHO'S THIS?". I IDENTIFIED MYSELF AS JT, THEN SHE DECLARED TO ME THE TRUTH, "WRONG NUMBER". WITH THAT SHE HUNG UP. I DARED NOT CALL HER BACK BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO REVEAL MY GAME, SO I WAITED FOR HER TO CALL BACK. WITH MY CELLY IN MY LEFT HAND, AND A CHEETO IN MY RIGHT, I WATCHED THE REAL WORLD MARATHON TIL 1AM. I FELT VERY COOL AND POPULAR STAYING UP TIL THEN, BUT I HAD TO GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE MY MOM HEARD THE T.V. AND GOT PISSED. ANYWAYS, I'LL SEE YOU ALL AT SCHOOL. P.S. INVISALIGN IS NOW AVAILABLE AT THE OFFICE WITH A BIG DISCOUNT IF YOU'RE POOR. post comment

OMG LIVEJOURNAL!! [10 Jan 2004|05:40pm] [ mood | HOMOPHOBIC ] [ music | NOT ALLOWED TO HEAR MUSIC SORRY ] HAY GUYS! I SEE THAT ALMOST ALL THE COOL PEOPLE IN BELEN HAVE MADE ONE OF THESE, SO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE ONE TOO. FIRST OF ALL, THEIR WRITING IS PURE FILTH. THEY DO NOT POSSES A SHAKESPEAREAN MIND, BUT THANKFULLY I DO. I'LL TRY TO BE TERSE AND CONCISE, BUT SOMETIMES MY MIND GETS A LITTLE VERBOSE; THATS WHY SOMETIMES I MAKE STRANGE NOISES. ANYWAYS, SIMPLETONS, IN MY JOURNAL YOU'LL LEARN ALL ABOUT ME AND MY ADVENTURES. LET'S START RIGHT AWAY. ON FRIDAY I GOT TO SCHOOL KINDA LATE AND PEOPLE WERE SITTING AT THE TABLE I USUALLY WALK CIRCLES AROUND, SO I WALKED AROUND IT ONCE; SMILED AT THEM, AND THEN I WALKED IN CIRCLES IN FRONT OF THE COKE MACHINES. IM SUCH A TEASE!!! I ONLY GAVE THEM 1 SECOND OF MY BEAUTIFUL SMILE. THATS WHAT THEY GET FOR SITTING AT MY TABLE. HOPEFULLY THEY LEARN THERE LESSON, AND WILL STOP LAUGHING AT ME. CIAO I HAVE TO GO WASH THE DISHES WITH MY MOM. 7 comments|post comment

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